Post Rage Depression
by Courtney Tynan aka “Tee Rex”
January 1st, 2012: It’s the morning after. I wake in Truesdale’s tiny studio apartment in Columbus after an amazing week, my head throbbing. Two nights of Phish at MSG followed by two nights of Werkadosio at the LC Pavilion had passed and my mind and body hated me.
My head protested as I sat up, the rush of blood and sadness causing me to black out for a moment. Taking a deep breath, I try to gather my thoughts and bring myself into the world of the conscious, groggy and aching. My eyes lock with Emily’s, my faithful friend who had shared every moment with me that past week. That’s when I realized–I had nothing to look forward to that day. There weren’t any shows or parties tonight, just unpacking and recovering. I wouldn’t be hit in the back of the head with flying glowsticks, or dance, or Tripwhip or anything. I would just return to basic reality. Fun over.
This started sinking in. My breaths became shallow and my eyes began to burn. I could feel my face distorting and flushing. I was skipping all the pre-crying stages. There were no gentle warning tears or the knot building in my throat. I needed to get a hold of myself. I curled my fingers, gathering the blanket beneath me and gripping it tight, fighting the inevitable. It was useless. I went from zero to 60 in a split second. I was in ugly-faced, full-fledged, boo-hoo mode and it wouldn’t stop.
I packed, washed dishes, and took a shower, crying all the while like a big, hippie baby. By the time we hit the road for home, the crying had stopped, only to be replaced by a numb, blank stare. This zone-out coping mechanism would stay with me for a couple weeks as I returned to my dull daily routine. I listened to awful, sad music, watched awful, sad movies, slept even more than I usually do, and just generally felt sorry for myself. It was pretty pathetic. Okay–really pathetic. I sought out help the only way I knew how–by asking Google.
This is where I found The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief, a list of emotional transitions I was experiencing. I found that Post-Rage Depression is a lot like grief, and for those of you who’ve experienced Post-Rage Depression, I know that you’ll recognize these stages too. Know what you’re going through and we’ll all get through this together.
The 6 Stages of Post-Rage Depression (PRD):
Scott Graham- “[It’s] a hard feeling to describe. Kinda like being home sick while your sitting on your couch.”
1. Denial- “It’s just another set break, they can’t be done playing already! Hey–you! It’s set break right? Right?”
When you’ve been looking forward to a show or a festival for a decent chunk of time, you never want it to end. When it does come to an end, your mind immediately refuses to accept it. You search for an excuse, some sort of explanation. Once you find that it really is over, you reject reality immediately. Truth is not an option.
Kyle J Sorensen: “Real Life, Between shows? No clue what that is, but I wish you all the best of luck.”
2. Anger- “Well, what the hell am I supposed to do now?!”
I remember screaming this after a few shows, usually Phish. You get so wrapped up in the magic that you actually get comfortable with the thought of this being your reality. Just when you feel like there is nothing else you’d rather be doing, it ends. Denying it only works until staff comes around to kick you out, many of them mumbling about lingerers. That’s when the primate in all of us surfaces. Something not going your way? Get mad and throw rocks at it.
3. Bargaining- “If they just play one more night, I promise that I’ll never hate on wooks again! I’ll give them beers! Hell, I’ll miracle them!”
When all else fails, seek out the divine. There is nothing that your silly human self can do to bring the bands back on stage, so you pray to a higher power. Since you can’t petition a band, you probably can’t petition a god either. This leads to a furthered sense of helplessness.
4. Deep, dark depression- “F*ck my life.”
You could (insert productive activity here), but you’re probably going to stare at the wall instead.
5. Acceptance- “It’s okay, there’s another show in a couple of weeks.”
Oh yea! I do have a reason to live!
6. Re-rage- “Party time, again!”
Rage. Rest. Repeat. Yessss.
Remember everyone, Post-Rage Depression is natural, but still a serious condition. As with most things in life, acceptance is key. Just remember, if our lives were perfectly rage-full all of the time, we’d all be poor wooks without jobs or homes. We’d have no appreciation for the gift of shows and festivals. We’d live in tents. Do you really want to live in a tent and be a mooch?
I didn’t think so.
Recovery techniques for PRD from our Phriends and Phamily:
Cameron Parker: “Enjoy the friends you’ve made and the times you’ve had with those you don’t see that often. Pictures, writing stuff down, and planning on DOING IT AGAIN makes it all so much easier.”
Michael Rowell: “I stay real close to positivity. Family and true love between humans who are living in the now.”
Sarah Delagarza: “I find that dating a Phish Phreak helps the time pass because we are constantly talking, thinking and planning for tour!”
Jonathan Kaden: “Use your ticket stub and download the free tracks from the show the night before, throw a party with your best phriends, and relive the whole experience–with no clothes on.”
Christine Clough Kanawada: “Meditation and being mindful of yourself and your actions. Volunteering is a great way to feel good too.”
Haley Frank :”Vitamins, water, healthy eating & sleep for me! It still usually takes a week to transition back to real life, and by then it’s time for another fest!”
Chad Rad Mcgee: “Mind over matter and productivity outside of shows! I always feel rewarded to focus on school and get a good turn out like making the dean’s list. It gives me something more of a foundation for the rest of my life and more mental occupation. I’m also usually working thru a book or just writing interesting things down to retain them, information about topics that strike my fancy, music, etc. I guess what I’m saying is that while I can’t say I’ve never suffered from post-raging sadness, an occupied mind and productive schedule is widely beneficial, for reasons other than merely just the post-party blues. Hobbies like disc-golf/bike riding/playing music also help.”
Kelby Lynn: “The answer lies within yourself and your body’s limitations. If you push your body with intoxicants to keep it performing at high speeds, then you’ll need that much more down time to balance yourself back out. Festivals are fun without stimulants! Have fun, take care of yourself. Water, fruit and veggies if you can! Smoothies always help in the morning too.”
Brad Kay Man:”Post-rage depression is combated by downloading the set off Archive, turning up the speakers, and ‘re-living’ the moment.”
Ang DeFebbo: “Watching YouTube videos and listening to Soundboard galore from the rage event or watching other videos from festivals.”
Jim Dewey: “I like to think of real life as the vehicle between shows. It creates the way to get there, motivation to rage harder once there, and something to give contrast to the bliss we feel at the shows. I mean, philosophically speaking, is eternal bliss really eternally blissful? I think Panic said it best:
‘They tell me it takes sorrow, boy
To help you feel the joy
They say it takes poverty
To let you love a toy
Now you can’t have the good
Until you’ve shared the bad
Don’t let it get too sad
No, not this time, time’”
Love you, pham. Stay happy :3
